Aktualisiert: Jan 2
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In the very fresh year 2020 I was in Germany to visit the Drüggelter Chapel with a group. A stimulating, grateful day, a worthy start into the new year at Epiphany day. Some of the group signed up for the “Iona Summer School”. Everything looked promising. Back then, still completely clueless what was lurking around the bend. Inspiration walks, with and without Dirk Kruse, showed that 2020 will be eventful and that important, big things will happen. Potentially, gates of breakthrough could open. The "great constellation", Jupiter, Saturn and Pluto in close proximity, some Mars-Pluto encounters, solar eclipses would dominate the year. In the first newsletter of 2020 I wrote what this constellation seemed to say to me, that one will either crumble into fear, into hardening and stagnation, or that one will have to allow oneself to be dynamized. In this case one would experience a lot of support in discovering new territory, inside land, essential land. In Spring it was not clear how this would show up externally, but as a topic of the year, it was appearing clearly. Today, in retrospect, it seems to have become reality in a completely different way than foreseeable. But it became true!
Towards the end of the year 2020, mainly two “strategies” of dealing with this constellation are showing up and are increasingly opposing each other. Outwardly, socially in building frontiers of different views: the awakened critics of the measures versus the devout sheep who dumbly accept everything. Both believe that they are right with the truth on their side. Within one’s own soul there is a similar split: on one side, to give the external circumstances still a certain justification by feverishly following the news and being faced by it again and again feeling helpless, banned from what is going on. On the other side a new inner world, a growing awareness arises. What was always “clear” now becomes an experience: all change, including external ones, begins within. One’s own soul life- that's what it's all about. It is the true arena for peace, truth and love.
I am still a long way from a full awareness of that. But I notice the direction in which to go. To foster real acceptance and to take on the responsibility for the only scene that I can be responsible for: my own soul. Turning the focus from outsides madness to the inside- reveal the true madness. Now it’s time to tidy up ones own soul and no longer refer to others, no longer hope that someone else could bring about an improvement, or “we” as a crowd. No hiding, no projection, no activism on the wrong side. No, it's also about learning to be humble. To become humble and to admit that the most difficult thing is self-knowledge. Cleaning up in oneself is much less attractive than external activism. All external hopes, all looking for the guilty party, the bad guys, refusals or protests too, are ultimately diversionary maneuvers in order not to have to look at oneself, to the nuggets hidden inside, they are all simply projections. I went through different phases. I was angry at times, angrier than ever in my life. Then deeply sad and depressed for weeks. Sometimes also very disappointed. Desperate, I couldn't accept that someone (the state) had so much power over me. I felt properly raped. Then the faint. I didn't want to have to live in a world like that anymore. My life forces, the courage, the confidence that I could do what I burned for were gone. Phases of cynicism, ridicule, and just being able to laugh about this comedy followed. These phrases and the arbitrary zigzag, such an obvious game of attrition, predictable and absurd. I could only laugh then; it was kind of funny. I discovered a certain sense of humor in the politicians' statements. I couldn’t take that seriously, that had to be satire.
Since I've dealt a lot with viruses, vaccinations, and immune system anyway – I ran a critical blog in 2005, when the avian flu threatened to exterminate humanity – back then there were hardly any alternative web portals and blogging was something relatively new. It soon became clear to me that something already familiar is repeated and also with mostly the same protagonists as back then. Only this time they were much better organized.
Nevertheless, when it really hit me, was at the beginning of April, my long-awaited heart project, the trip to the Celtic Christian places in Hessen/Germany, had to be canceled. I got very upset. I was unable to understand that my beloved basic human rights are so fragile and that I am so dependent on the already hated state, or in general, on all outer power structures. I was forced to change my life by a power that I had not yet experienced before in its full potency. That was new and crushing. I didn't want to give in my freedom, didn't want to bow to it.
Changing my life meant above all: canceling all plans for courses, excursions, conferences and events. Considerable investments in time and money for our 2020 program just went up in smoke. Though it looked promising: Registrations came in, our well-developed offer for the «curative week», an ether-geographic cure, which we were really looking forward to and had prepared very well. It had to be canceled despite existing registrations. So, it wasn’t even me or us that could be blamed for its “failure”. The dreams of building an existence here were ruined. All our hopes and savings to create something worthwhile were suddenly stolen. Our being here seemed to be questioned.
Then from April to the end of June sunny and beautiful weather. No airplanes, no tourists, all quiet, peaceful and full of blossoms. We sat together a lot and turned our attention more to what we want here as a community. The question of ownership, the structures, decision-making modalities were being looked at. The freedom gained in deprivation of liberty also seemed to have positive effects. Then the holiday guests also cancelled- the only source of income, our holiday homes, did no longer exist.
I started to write, to write a lot. Further frustration, several editors found my texts too delicate and rejected them. 2020 is the first year in many years in which not a single text of mine appeared in print. But my book premiere - “Organic Thinking”, on which I mainly worked in winter 2019/20, is finally out in the bookshops.
Then, first relaxations of the restrictions. 5 days before the announced date of the “Iona Summer School”, after all the registered participants had already canceled, the Scottish government decided that meetings on our scale would be allowed. A good 10 people, mostly from the UK, turned up spontaneously. Marc found out that the “Iona Summer School” was taking place, got into his car in Paris and showed up just in time for the start. With a reduced, only ½-day program and much more open, local people (from Mull) also joined, at least for one day. Then there were holiday guests, after all. The visit of two Swiss acquaintances who stayed for two weeks felt very good, time for exchange and joint ventures. Suddenly, Corona seemed surreal and far away. Friends, relatives, visits poured in and the summer was wonderful, mild and dry. The quiet phase of the much quieter lockdown time and the unsettling experiences led to a very nice, trusting atmosphere between people that lasted for a long time.
Then the upcoming 2nd lockdown. I reached my lowest point when I noticed that nothing is emerging from the anthroposophical scene, on the contrary, they subordinated to the mainstream narrative in most cases. How naive in retrospect, how sobering and embarrassing that I secretly still wish that the “Anthropops” would contribute something positive to the world. The 100th anniversary of the Waldorf School passed in an untruthful self-adulation. So did the 100 years of anthroposophical medicine celebrations. Their hail-fellow-well-met behavior to the allopathic medicine and unhuman materialistic mainstream medicine was highlighted as a great achievement. That was disillusioning, but bearable. What I couldn't bear anymore is when I found out that pupils in Waldorf schools wear masks. I could not believe it. Are the schools taking part in this crime? I did some research. Yes, almost everywhere the same picture, teachers are forcing their students, even small children to ware face coverings. It is justified with outrageous arguments, with hubris and overconfidence: “without Waldorf, if the children would stay home, they would have it be even worse”. The fact that the pupils in Waldorf schools, including the lower grades, have to wear face masks, that got under my skin: Now “we” are poisoning our children, the children who are entrusted to us, with their own CO2!
I realized this is the end. The Waldorf schools are no longer justified. The entire anthroposophical movement has failed. They are passive accomplices because they are silent. There aren't even readers' forums in which this would be controversially discussed, it is simply accepted. Or worse, it isn't even considered questionable. Of course, I don't mean “lost their justification” as a school per se, everything can be any way as long as it is arbitrary. I mean “lost justification” in relation to its own claim as a school based on anthroposophical understanding of the human being, which relates to Rudolf Steiner! What is done here to Steiner is unforgivable. The anthroposophical society has overturned, has fallen into evil. What falls behind its own moral claim, its possibility, is not simply less demanding, but becomes evil. Someone who lives unconsciously cannot really get evil. Only when the person knows and recognized itself and is aware of what he/she is doing and how he/she could be, one can act wrong and serve evil. To act against knowledge is evil. This is a moral law that Steiner often spoke about. Whoever makes a promise - and by studying Steiner, by following his path of initiation, we make a promise to the spiritual world (or at least to our true selves). If we have recognized what we could be, but remain unconscious and we act contrary to our intentions then we serves the evil – our actions turns against us! I venture a prognosis: in 5 or 10 years at the latest there will not be a single Waldorf school or an Anthroposophical Society. After giving up our own substance, it will now fall back on us and hit us hard. How anthroposophy will live, will have to develop from scratch. Fortunately, there is already a lot that is new that will now strengthen. Nothing will be left that is institutionalized.
For the time being, this was the last step on the path to disillusionment. “Let go of that too”. It is not my responsibility to save the Waldorf Schools. Everyone has to save themselves first, where they can, where they are responsible and can take responsibility - their own soul. Everything else is timely and one way or another doomed. Save what is eternal! Save what is entrusted to you, yourself!
Huh, tough job. But not that difficult either. Suddenly I don't lose any more energy by getting overly excited, angry, believing to be righteous, searching for subtle mistakes in others - and finding them :-) So much energy suddenly, so much time, so much peace, I actually manage to be much more harmonious, to practice more contemplation, to meditate more, to be more in the present. But relapses again and again. Only yesterday I was again on Facebook and got extremely agitated ... It's getting more serious! The world doesn’t give up on the essentials. As if with a big signpost, the world waves: “Hello! Only Maya is here, how clear do I have to become. What obvious nonsense I have to come up with that you finally realize that there is nothing out here. Turn your eyes inward, become essential!
A turning point happened with Lockdown 2. Where previously fronts formed between those who believe in the old and those who could no longer believe in anything, a completely different separation now seemed to take place: Those who still take the outer happenings serious and those who stopped agitating and began to turn inward. And now, the big conjunction and Christmas. Become humble, come to your own peace, let go. Wanting to understand is wanting to control. Now I want to trust, perceive, receive the future. The scene of my soul, to make it worthy. That is my task, to which I can devote myself lovingly. That is my lesson of 2020. The scene of my soul is also the scene of the world. If a holy child can be born here, it can be born anywhere.